Talk:IELTS - Academic Writing - Task 2 - Practice 1/@comment-115.76.81.149-20150308082129/@comment-25263758-20150315022559
Women are the half of the worldHalf of the people in the world are women, and there are we have many days to celebrate and honor them women such as International women’s Women’s dayDay, Mothers’ day Day and Vietnamese women’s Women’s dayDayTN1 . Personally, I think women should have the rights to participate in not only politics but have the heavy responsibilityies for to protect their countries such aswith organizations like the army, the navy, and the air force like men. On the other hands, I also think that women should support their husbands or and their childs children by doing backstage thingsTN2 .TN3 The 21st century can be fairly called the generation of equality of genders. The idea of a woman serving in the an army is reality. Typically, International Women’s Day is for appreciating the progress made towards equality and highlighting how far we still have to go to rid our society of entrenched inequality. All men are created equal, this also includes womenTN4 . I believe that a woman in the military is just as capable as any man. Through training and courses, with continuous efforts, I partly TN5 think that women would do as well as the men do if their motherland was threatened by war.TN6 TN7 Besides, joining the army, the navy, and the air force is not the a good idea for feminists because nature has made women physically weaker and less durable than men. Women might not suffer survive tough practise in military training. Even they for those that do can serve in the military, the standards for themselves have to be lowered than for men. Instead of doing tough work, women can use their natural abilities and that only women can dohave. Those are pregnancy, childcare and houseworkTN8 . Their husbands and the childs children always feel safe and , happy when their wives,TN9 and their mothers are at home. For the women who are interested in working in the army, the navy, or and the air force, they can choose to do paperwork instead of serving as soldiersin militaryTN10 . Inequality is has always been a big issue in throughout the ages. In the century of information, women should have the rights to choose what they would like to do, including taking part in the army, the navy, and the airforceair force. In contrarycontrast, women should acknowledge how tough the military life is. Score: 4.5 Comments: Addresses the task in a minimal way. Expresses a position, but the development is not clear; no singular conclusion drawn; writer’s stance seems to contradict at certain points. Lacks overall progression. Uses cohesive devices, but sometimes faulty. Uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. Attempts to use less commons vocabulary, but with some inaccuracies. Uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. Overall, too long (it is unlikely that you’ll have enough time to write an essay this long on your IELTS exam). ---- TN1Point is irrelevant to prompt. TN2Undescriptive. Informal language. TN3It’s ok to have multiple opinions about the issue, but you need to choose one side and make a convincing argument for it. TN4Awkward sentence. To flow with your position, it might be better to say something like, “All people are created equal.” TN5Only partly think? This argument is made weak just by including this word. TN6Your first two paragraphs worked more like an introduction. They were altogether too long and this resulted in a large word count. TN7This is you calling for equality without saying why. Why is it important for women to be equal to men, especially in light of military service? TN8The ability to do housework and take care of children is not unique to women. TN9Do NOT use commas as “and” TN10This paragraph goes opposite to what you originally opined. You can offer counter points, but you should come back to your original argument by saying how the counter points aren’t sufficient enough to warrant arguing for the other side.